So a lot of bad stuff has been happening. I currently cannot divulge details due to legal reasons but as it stands right now, J, the kids, and I are essentially homeless and living with the MIL and Co. Ugh. It feels like we just can’t catch a break and both J and I are extremely down about all of it but I am actually not making this post about that…
I decided that I was going to take matters into my own hands because life is short and J is hot and screw the rules I am going to make some thing good happen and stop waiting around for it. So I asked him to marry me while we ate McDonald’s sitting in a parking lot.
He said yes
We have no money so there won’t be a wedding, but I’m thinking we can tie it into the usual family Christmas parties and it’ll be fun. I also won’t be able to get a dress or anything, but I have a few ideas that involve a loose, white tunic and a beautiful red corset that I’ve been eyeing online for a while. So, despite all the shit right now, I am happy (HE SAID YES!!!).
J’s gone to the hospital with some very bad back pain. I’m starting to panic because I worry too much…
I keep telling myself that it’s ok and he will be fine but I’m not very good at listening to that voice right now. I’ve got a massive worry demon just perched on my shoulder whispering worst case scenarios in my ear
he’s having a shitty morning, puked twice already :/ but this was his response when i told him i wanted to see his eyes in a picture for daddy brat
rose is screaming and she won’t stop holy fuck she’s never been this stubborn before… (note: she does stop and try to play with me when i go and check on her so it’s stubbornness not something wrong with her im sure) the MIL says she’s teething but im not sure :/
went pretty well actually except once he was full his hands went right into it
why is it, when babies (specifically a little girl called Rose) spit up some milk, they feel the immediate need to play in it?
so hi y’all im not around much and im sorry about that but i still get email updates of all you that im following and i am toying with the idea of doing NaNoWriMo this year (very tentatively) and just as a head’s up? it’ll probably be fanfiction the younglings are currently on an on/off sleep schedule where rosebud naps, then she gets up, then boo naps, then he gets up and she’s back down… so i am tired and i miss having my afternoon naps
i am not working at the moment and it looks like i won’t be for a while. daycare for both the kids would cost too much; i would need to work around 60 hours a week to pay for the both of them for the week and then i wouldn’t even be pulling in any extra money :/
we moved to a semi-detached OLD-ASS house that is in terrible shape but it’s cheap and one of J’s old friends lives in the other half with her kid AND she runs a daycare so Boo has other younglings to play with at least there’s three bedrooms, a back yard, and a big ass kitchen
and that’s all i can think of for now i will try and update here a little more frequently because i do miss y’all
i’m posting this here because it’s a safe place. I’ve stopped linking this blog to my tumblr because wordpress is a great safe haven for me. I’ve never had to deal with anonymous people being jerks here. There’s only a few people that I consider friends, yes they’re friends over the internet, but they ARE friends (this is a concept i have a difficult time explaining to my parents) and almost all of them are here
anyways, there’s a few bullies making my life even more stressful on tumblr right now, i’ve started crying and freaking out about it so i’m backing away and venting here. i hate not feeling safe on my own blog
i’ve taken screenshots of the whole debacle so i can look at it on the morning more objectively
…I’m very tired, riding a coffee high right now, got all the dishes done and half the laundry put away. I spend a ridiculous amount of time on my tumblr (shhh).
Boo has been pulling an “I don’t want to eat anything phase” while his sister is both teething, colicky, and just had her second round of vaccinations
Last night I got almost 4 hours sleep, but I ended up with a crick in my neck, so I can’t win
J has been getting more and more responsibilities at work, they’ve had so many people leave that the workload is becoming ridiculous at this point, and due to the whole stupid thing with the apartment (which is still not settled >.< ) he has no time off left for when we move, so he’s been working a lot of overtime, to try and store up some time but he’s so tired he ends up taking off a day here or there and boom! There goes the overtime
Rosebud’s awake now, it seems like she never sleeps >.<
so i just tried communicating with J via email in a more adult tone because i know i have a huge problem with being too emotional… i still haven’t made it clear to him that I’m depressed but its clear that to him it isn’t even an excuse if i tried to make it… He still wants me to have the place spotless when he comes home whether or not I’m exhausted he says all he cares about me keeping clean is the living/dining/kitchen area and that the bedrooms/bathroom doesn’t matter… i am the exact opposite, if my bathroom is clean and my bedroom is at least a little organized i feel so much better but no its the public areas he wants clean, the areas we are constantly living in with two very young children, a kitchen that i never want to use because every time there’s dishes in the sink i get the stink-eye for just fucking using the kitchen the way its meant to be used and not having the time to constantly clean it. he also made comments about the amount of time i spend online or playing my games during the day which actually isn’t that much, i just take half an hour here, or 10 minutes while Boo’s eating lunch but he had to comment that obviously since i have time to sit at the computer i have time to clean and do work. he thinks the time i spend with him in the evening doing the stuff he wants should be enough wind-down time for me. once a week i watch my favourite tv show and i liveblog it on my tumblr so i ask him to hold Rosebud for that hour since Boo’s already in bed and he acts like its the hardest thing he does all week :/ the things i’d like to do in the evening are completely different from what he wants but i always ask him first since he’s been stuck in an office all day and I’m home doing whatever i want… oh wait I’m taking care of two kids almost constantly i almost never get to do what i want plus Rosebud has decided that evenings are her fussy time and i cant actually enjoy myself in the evenings at all cuz she’s a little shithead huh… i don’t have a conclusion… i just feel like crap and the dishes are STILL not done
so i know that I’m depressed… J doesn’t I’ve tried to tell him but he just doesn’t get it every time i manage to force some words out… the last time i said anything he thought i was just sympathizing with his own angst.
this morning we were supposed ti go sign a lease on a new, three bedroom townhouse but J couldn’t remember where he had “put away” his chequebook and we ended up postponing it til later, in the search for his chequebook he proceeded to tell me how pathetically useless i am and i never get anything done the laundry is all piling up and its all my fault i’ll never get better and i’ll never change just be this same useless craphole i always am and how he didn’t want to have rose anyway and he doesn’t want to move he doesn’t see a problem with a two-year old and a baby sharing a room… things that also happened during this tirade include some of the only folded laundry i had being strewn all over the floor, boo getting scared out of his mind because daddy’s scary when he’s mad, and the last of patience slipping away. I’m just so fucking tired of all this bullshit i don’t care the only bright spots in my days are when my kids smile as crazy cliche as that sounds
Posted in Boo, broken, fighting, Jaysin, kids, me, raging mad, relationship, Rosebud, scared, Tired