I’m scared

It’s just an hour late you say, but I see so much more

It’ll just be a day or too, I won’t be far you say, but I see farther

What’ll be next;

A big project to stay late on, 4 nights a week?

Helping the boss out and getting a bonus?

Taking on some extra work because “I can handle it.”?

Coming home late night after night, your children long asleep in their beds

I’ll stop staying up for you after a few months.

A year later, I won’t bother leaving food, I’ll know you already ate.

5 years down the road, your son graduates middle school and you’ve got a conference call.

Your daughter goes to prom and you’re halfway across the world.

I’ve had a string of lovers and you never even knew.

One day, you will come home and we’ll have left,

And you,

Won’t even wonder,

Where we’ve gone.

Beyond Spanking

Beyond Spanking.

everything :)

depression and exultation

So a lot of bad stuff has been happening. I currently cannot divulge details due to legal reasons but as it stands right now, J, the kids, and I are essentially homeless and living with the MIL and Co. Ugh. It feels like we just can’t catch a break and both J and I are extremely down about all of it but I am actually not making this post about that…

I decided that I was going to take matters into my own hands because life is short and J is hot and screw the rules I am going to make some thing good happen and stop waiting around for it. So I asked him to marry me while we ate McDonald’s sitting in a parking lot.

He said yes :)

We have no money so there won’t be a wedding, but I’m thinking we can tie it into the usual family Christmas parties and it’ll be fun. I also won’t be able to get a dress or anything, but I have a few ideas that involve a loose, white tunic and a beautiful red corset that I’ve been eyeing online for a while. So, despite all the shit right now, I am happy (HE SAID YES!!!).

worried and scared

J’s gone to the hospital with some very bad back pain. I’m starting to panic because I worry too much…

I keep telling myself that it’s ok and he will be fine but I’m not very good at listening to that voice right now. I’ve got a massive worry demon just perched on my shoulder whispering worst case scenarios in my ear :(


sick boo


he’s having a shitty morning, puked twice already :/ but this was his response when i told him i wanted to see his eyes in a picture for daddy :) brat

endless night

rose is screaming and she won’t stop holy fuck she’s never been this stubborn before… (note: she does stop and try to play with me when i go and check on her so it’s stubbornness not something wrong with her im sure) the MIL says she’s teething but im not sure :/


Mommy and Boo try making smoothies


went pretty well actually :) except once he was full his hands went right into it :|

babies n stuffs

why is it, when babies (specifically a little girl called Rose) spit up some milk, they feel the immediate need to play in it?

so hi y’all im not around much and im sorry about that :( but i still get email updates of all you that im following and i am toying with the idea of doing NaNoWriMo this year (very tentatively) and just as a head’s up? it’ll probably be fanfiction :P the younglings are currently on an on/off sleep schedule where rosebud naps, then she gets up, then boo naps, then he gets up and she’s back down… so i am tired and i miss having my afternoon naps :(

i am not working at the moment and it looks like i won’t be for a while. daycare for both the kids would cost too much; i would need to work around 60 hours a week to pay for the both of them for the week and then i wouldn’t even be pulling in any extra money :/

we moved to a semi-detached OLD-ASS house that is in terrible shape but it’s cheap and one of J’s old friends lives in the other half with her kid AND she runs a daycare so Boo has other younglings to play with :P at least there’s three bedrooms, a back yard, and a big ass kitchen

and that’s all i can think of for now i will try and update here a little more frequently because i do miss y’all :)

tumblr wank

i’m posting this here because it’s a safe place. I’ve stopped linking this blog to my tumblr because wordpress is a great safe haven for me. I’ve never had to deal with anonymous people being jerks here. There’s only a few people that I consider friends, yes they’re friends over the internet, but they ARE friends (this is a concept i have a difficult time explaining to my parents) and almost all of them are here :)

anyways, there’s a few bullies making my life even more stressful on tumblr right now, i’ve started crying and freaking out about it so i’m backing away and venting here. i hate not feeling safe on my own blog :(

i’ve taken screenshots of the whole debacle so i can look at it on the morning more objectively

June’s been here awhile…

…I’m very tired, riding a coffee high right now, got all the dishes done and half the laundry put away. I spend a ridiculous amount of time on my tumblr (shhh).

Boo has been pulling an “I don’t want to eat anything phase” while his sister is both teething, colicky, and just had her second round of vaccinations :(

Last night I got almost 4 hours sleep, but I ended up with a crick in my neck, so I can’t win :)

J has been getting more and more responsibilities at work, they’ve had so many people leave that the workload is becoming ridiculous at this point, and due to the whole stupid thing with the apartment (which is still not settled >.< ) he has no time off left for when we move, so he’s been working a lot of overtime, to try and store up some time but he’s so tired he ends up taking off a day here or there and boom! There goes the overtime :(

Rosebud’s awake now, it seems like she never sleeps >.<