I finally did it. I finally told the MIL that no, I didn’t want her watching the kids for any extended period of time. I said “I don’t feel comfortable with them being gone that long” which isn’t the real reason, I love having mini-vacations and they love going there and getting spoiled rotten but they always come back different. They don’t act like my kids when they come home. They’re quiet, subdued, grumpy, and they burst into tears at the drop of a hat. It takes about 3-5 days before they’re running around, making noise, having fun and being MY kids again.

She called to try and get me to agree to her taking Boo for the weekend, and of course Boo asked to say hi to her when he saw me on the phone. This was right after he saw me braiding Rosie’s hair and he asked me to do his, but his hair is too short for braids (because the MIL forced him to get a haircut), so I gave him a little ponytail on the top of his head. he thought this was great and he wanted to tell Nana about it. She responded by saying “No you can’t do that, James! Boys aren’t ALLOWED to have ponytails!”

This was the absolute LAST straw. I decided enough was enough and I said no I don’t want her taking the kids. She hung up and probably called her husband right after to yell about me hence the reason for the title of this post. I don’t want to start a war right now, but after two weekends in a row where her fucking with shit has caused J to need to take an unpaid day off of work after (which we can by no means afford >.<) I have to put my foot down and say I’m done, because she has put my family through enough bullshit for anyone’s lifetime.

Still kicking

im tired

im lonely

J is trying to help as much as he can, but he’s got enough to deal with without worrying about me

Boo doesn’t know why Mommy is sad so he gives me a hug and plays on

Rose is a little hellcat, demon spawn to be sure, and she is fierce beyond all reason. I am so proud of her already. Smash the patriarchy, little one, i believe in you

I keep wanting to escape from I don’t even know what anymore. I don’t even want to go anywhere just not be here



I am nothing

I will never amount to anything

I will never be more than a wife and a mother

I will never be more than the only person who will always be there for you

I am necessary to your survival and success, but I will receive no reward

My time is yours to command and dictate since I bring no money to this relationship

I am an afterthought, a side-note, a supporting character

My name will mean nothing to no one

I’ll never write, act, or sing again

I’ll never do anything I love

I’ll never have a job I will love

I will never have a career

I am nothing

I might be a blonde tomorrow

I just have this urge to dye my hair, I’ve always wanted the tips to be blonde and then ombre it into red with dark roots, but I can’t afford a several hundred dollar dye job so I thought I’d go blonde all over then slowly work up to being able to do the red afterwards.

All is well

Kitty is happy

Why don’t you want me


why dont you want me?

i am good enough to talk, play games, and watch tv with, but not to fuck, not to touch,


yesterday we were married, and yet it is as if i was a sister to you. good enough to share food with, good enough to laugh with but not to fuck, not to touch,

why do you not want me?

there hasn’t been the light of desire in your eyes for years, don’t think you hide it well, you dont think of me as a thing to touch, a thing to fuck,

i know you don’t want me, why?



No, not Christmas Bells! Wedding Bells! Yes indeedy, J and I are getting married in the tiniest wedding that you ever did see this Saturday. Why haven’t I announced it before this? Because we are literally flying by the seat of our pants and making it up as we go, we’ve(me and my mom) thrown this together in the last couple weeks and it wasn’t even a sure thing until we heard back from the priest but YES IT IS HAPPENING and I will post pics of my “dress” (its a little unconventional ;) hehe).

Anyways I’m back into the fray, but even though its been ages since I’ve posted here I still do check all your blogs and I love you all very much :D


I’m scared

It’s just an hour late you say, but I see so much more

It’ll just be a day or too, I won’t be far you say, but I see farther

What’ll be next;

A big project to stay late on, 4 nights a week?

Helping the boss out and getting a bonus?

Taking on some extra work because “I can handle it.”?

Coming home late night after night, your children long asleep in their beds

I’ll stop staying up for you after a few months.

A year later, I won’t bother leaving food, I’ll know you already ate.

5 years down the road, your son graduates middle school and you’ve got a conference call.

Your daughter goes to prom and you’re halfway across the world.

I’ve had a string of lovers and you never even knew.

One day, you will come home and we’ll have left,

And you,

Won’t even wonder,

Where we’ve gone.

Beyond Spanking

Beyond Spanking.

everything :)

depression and exultation

So a lot of bad stuff has been happening. I currently cannot divulge details due to legal reasons but as it stands right now, J, the kids, and I are essentially homeless and living with the MIL and Co. Ugh. It feels like we just can’t catch a break and both J and I are extremely down about all of it but I am actually not making this post about that…

I decided that I was going to take matters into my own hands because life is short and J is hot and screw the rules I am going to make some thing good happen and stop waiting around for it. So I asked him to marry me while we ate McDonald’s sitting in a parking lot.

He said yes :)

We have no money so there won’t be a wedding, but I’m thinking we can tie it into the usual family Christmas parties and it’ll be fun. I also won’t be able to get a dress or anything, but I have a few ideas that involve a loose, white tunic and a beautiful red corset that I’ve been eyeing online for a while. So, despite all the shit right now, I am happy (HE SAID YES!!!).