I am nothing

I will never amount to anything

I will never be more than a wife and a mother

I will never be more than the only person who will always be there for you

I am necessary to your survival and success, but I will receive no reward

My time is yours to command and dictate since I bring no money to this relationship

I am an afterthought, a side-note, a supporting character

My name will mean nothing to no one

I’ll never write, act, or sing again

I’ll never do anything I love

I’ll never have a job I will love

I will never have a career

I am nothing

I might be a blonde tomorrow

I just have this urge to dye my hair, I’ve always wanted the tips to be blonde and then ombre it into red with dark roots, but I can’t afford a several hundred dollar dye job so I thought I’d go blonde all over then slowly work up to being able to do the red afterwards.

All is well

Kitty is happy

Why don’t you want me


why dont you want me?

i am good enough to talk, play games, and watch tv with, but not to fuck, not to touch,


yesterday we were married, and yet it is as if i was a sister to you. good enough to share food with, good enough to laugh with but not to fuck, not to touch,

why do you not want me?

there hasn’t been the light of desire in your eyes for years, don’t think you hide it well, you dont think of me as a thing to touch, a thing to fuck,

i know you don’t want me, why?



No, not Christmas Bells! Wedding Bells! Yes indeedy, J and I are getting married in the tiniest wedding that you ever did see this Saturday. Why haven’t I announced it before this? Because we are literally flying by the seat of our pants and making it up as we go, we’ve(me and my mom) thrown this together in the last couple weeks and it wasn’t even a sure thing until we heard back from the priest but YES IT IS HAPPENING and I will post pics of my “dress” (its a little unconventional ;) hehe).

Anyways I’m back into the fray, but even though its been ages since I’ve posted here I still do check all your blogs and I love you all very much :D


I’m scared

It’s just an hour late you say, but I see so much more

It’ll just be a day or too, I won’t be far you say, but I see farther

What’ll be next;

A big project to stay late on, 4 nights a week?

Helping the boss out and getting a bonus?

Taking on some extra work because “I can handle it.”?

Coming home late night after night, your children long asleep in their beds

I’ll stop staying up for you after a few months.

A year later, I won’t bother leaving food, I’ll know you already ate.

5 years down the road, your son graduates middle school and you’ve got a conference call.

Your daughter goes to prom and you’re halfway across the world.

I’ve had a string of lovers and you never even knew.

One day, you will come home and we’ll have left,

And you,

Won’t even wonder,

Where we’ve gone.

Beyond Spanking

Beyond Spanking.

everything :)

depression and exultation

So a lot of bad stuff has been happening. I currently cannot divulge details due to legal reasons but as it stands right now, J, the kids, and I are essentially homeless and living with the MIL and Co. Ugh. It feels like we just can’t catch a break and both J and I are extremely down about all of it but I am actually not making this post about that…

I decided that I was going to take matters into my own hands because life is short and J is hot and screw the rules I am going to make some thing good happen and stop waiting around for it. So I asked him to marry me while we ate McDonald’s sitting in a parking lot.

He said yes :)

We have no money so there won’t be a wedding, but I’m thinking we can tie it into the usual family Christmas parties and it’ll be fun. I also won’t be able to get a dress or anything, but I have a few ideas that involve a loose, white tunic and a beautiful red corset that I’ve been eyeing online for a while. So, despite all the shit right now, I am happy (HE SAID YES!!!).

worried and scared

J’s gone to the hospital with some very bad back pain. I’m starting to panic because I worry too much…

I keep telling myself that it’s ok and he will be fine but I’m not very good at listening to that voice right now. I’ve got a massive worry demon just perched on my shoulder whispering worst case scenarios in my ear :(


sick boo


he’s having a shitty morning, puked twice already :/ but this was his response when i told him i wanted to see his eyes in a picture for daddy :) brat